Stumbling Through Barrels as Bores Reviews DK's Big Comeback

Boy, it seems like things have really gone by fast since Thanksgiving, eh?  Now that our stomachs have settled, let’s look at Bores’s latest reviewer leftovers.

This time it’s his review of Donkey Kong Country Returns, and let’s see just how many facts he gets wrong this time, shall we?

00:00 – 00:11 - “Happy Thanksgiving gamers..” Eh, what the hell is that?

“And since this is the holidays” I thought I would do some things to this turkey that I’ve got hanging in the background for you all to see.

“I thought I thought I’d do the one game that everyone who owns a Wii has been a-tiss-ipating. And that game, is Donkey Kong Country Retuuurds”

Nice to see his annunciating skills are as constricted as ever.

00:12 – 00:40 - After a huge letdown of a photoshopped intro, he reminisces about his times at E3, which he decided to wait a whole month before describing it to us, and ponders if it lived up to expectaions. He answers yes in a way to set up a “bunch of bananas” joke, only to have photoshopped bananas fall on him.

00:41 - 01:11 - “If you like the original for the Super Nintendo, then you’re going to love this one.” And what if we preferred the Game Boy instead, will we not love it?

He talks about how this new installment ris a return to form, and mentions a new enemy who has stolen DK’s bananas, and then talks about the visually stunning graphics.

“And a few of them make for some great artistic statement.” Like what prey tell do you mean by artistic statement?

Is it supposed to be some allegorical means to tap into the human soul, that shows us all just how it’s possible for us all to feel a deeper connection with our bretheren, and how we are not truly ever alone?

Aw, who am I kidding, you would never be able to contemplate such a powerful message like that.

01:12 – 01:49 - He also mention revamped music cues from the original game.

“Now let’s talk about gameplay.” While not at all using any effort to move our mouths.

“This time around, Donkey has some new attacks, like the ground stomp, climbing up walls” which is so new it came out 16 years earlier in THE FIRST GAME!

“and Diddy Kong’s jetpack” which premiered in DK 64, now I know AVGN said something similar, but that was just an off-hand comment he made up on the spot at E3, not in an actual review like this.

“and you’ll even find a rocket barrel to ride around on”  Now watch as I accidently maneuver and crash into the ship which I did not do on purpose.

01:50 – 02:49 - He complains about only being able to play as Donkey Kong, and he won’t be able to switch with Diddy Kong, unless you play a two-player game.

“Now this may seem like a downside at first, but just trust me, after playing the game, this is something you won’t even be bothered by.” Despite the fact that you just complained about it, making your argument entirely pointless.

“This game also sprinkles in some great elements from the original.” Sprinkles,  ohh Chris want sprinkles, gimme gimme gimme.

He goes on about riding animal friends, finding bonus areas, collecting Kong letters, and unlocking special areas.

He also mentions Kranky Kong is back and complains that he’s not as cranky as before.

“Nggaaahh, so where’s all the mean insults at, you wong bearded damn dirty ape.”

First of all, Kranky Kong’s not as kranky as before because they didn’t want him to get stale by spewing nothing but insults, since the whole point of his character was to reminisce about the good ol days of video games.

Secondly, they probably didn’t want conservative parents complaining about their kids picking up any sort of bad influence from the game.

Thirdly, Charlton Heston you most certainly are NOT.

“heh heh, looks like I told him.” *giant banana pile plomp* “Dammit.”

02:50 – 03:33 - “Another thing I lke about this game is that it’s not too easy or too hard either.” Therefore you have nothing to complain about, so it must be the greatest video game of all time by your standards.

He then tosses himself off the mine ride level, as well as let himself get hit by the first stage boss.

"Though I must say there that many games on the Wii that I can say are a must-have.”

Except for maybe, A LOT of them?

“But if you own a Wii, you should definitely consider picking this one up.” If by consider picking it up, you mean pick it up.

“and it’s a very refreshing game to play through, after trying out something like Kirby’s Epic Yarn for the Wii, Oh boy talk about a letdown.” Which I will not explain anything about.

Seriously Bores, you say it was a letdown without any explanation as to why, despite all the rave reviews it’s been getting?

Also, you say is as though you were playing on a different console, when you said “for the Wii” like you weren’t playing a Wii game already.

He finishes off by recommending it to anyone interested to check it out for the Wii, or for  a gift idea for the holidays, and that’s all he really says about that.

3:34 – 3:54 - And of course, he has to finish off the review by saying his IG NEO catchphrase, before narrowly escaping yet a third banana pile from falling on him only to have a FOURTH one fall on him anyway.

Well, got that out of my system. Anyway, I know with BatDan back, a lot of you may not be all that interested in what I had to say in the matter, so I’ll just leave it at that.

At least he said something positive about the game, but I guess he didn’t want any hardcore fans calling him out on anything. Too bad he’s going to get that anyway. And at least he chose one ending as opposed to all of them.

So, until the next review, see you at BatDan’s.

Bores Reviews Harmony of Displa- Uh, Despair

  Well guys, since my computer got corrupted, I wasn’t able to post last week, but now I’m back, and apparently so is BatDan, who just came out of retirement recently, so we’ll see how things turn out from now on. But first, let’s look at the preview of Bores’s latest review.

00:00 – 00:17 - And it looks like he’s grown a beard, and not the kind where quality of entertainment improves, but the literal kind.

He informs us he has a new review at GotGame *hiccup* dot Com. It’s the X-Box Live CastleVania game, Harmony of Despair.

……………..

…..Uh, Bores?

*snaps finger at him*

“…so be sure to check that out.”

The hell just happened in those last couple of seconds?

*sees screen* Ohhh, I see.

00:17 – 00:31 - He gives us some information on the next IG episode, which will inevitably be delayed for a few months like the last few. And it is the fourth (or fifth) installment of the “IG’s History of Video Games.” Oh gee, I wonder what kind of inaccuracies he’ll make this time.

00:32 – 01:01 - He drones on about what the last couple of episodes were about, like we didn’t already know what they were, and now he says this next episode will have them duke it out. So we’ve got another pointless fight scene ahead of us.

While he scratches his nose, he mentions it’s an interesting time period in that series, a very loose interpretation of interesting.

Well after that little preview, what little hope we had of him reviewing is till lingering, but for how long?

00:00 – 00:21 - In the actual review, he starts with this mediocre CG intro that goes on for ten seconds, and now Bores, who seems to have less facial hair than he did in the preview, starts off the reviewing the lastest game in the Castlevania series, Harmony of Despair.

At least he got the name right this time. However his claim of it being the latest installment is not true, since there have been two other titles released since then: The puzzle game Encore of the Night and Lord of Shadow.

00:22 – 0:35 -  “Now let me 'stotoff' by saying that this game is only available by downloading it from the X-Box Live Store.”

… making that little gesture with your hand earlier pointless, since there’s no physical copy of the game. Seriously was there any point of photoshopping the game like you were holding a disc in your hand?

“So if you don’t have an X-Box, the internet, or even 800 Microsoft points to purchase the game, than odds are you won’t be playing this one.“  Actually, it's worth 1200 MS points, and what if they port it over to the Playstation Network?

00:36 – 0:48 - “But in this Castlevania game, you’ll have sex characters to choose from.”

There’s so much wrong in this one sentence, I don’t even know where to begin. First, he has to point out the title of the game series instead of just saying “but in this game…”

Also, “sex” characters? I’m not sure what he’s going for here. This is a T-rated game, they wouldn’t allow that stuff on such a rating. But if that’s not what you mean, are you saying the characters are extremely attractive?  If so, then I agree, but that means you’re missing a letter. If not, then it’s actually “five” characters, one of them is a bonus character you have to unlock in order to play.

“Each one has their own strengths and weaknesses that help you during the game.” That’s the point of games with multiple characters in them.

“But if you ask me, I personally enjoy playing Shanoa the best.”

00:49 – 01:33 - He mentions the gameplay is solid and the 2d sprites are a great throwback to the original. Original what, Bores? Because if you were referring to the original game, you couldn’t get anymore wrong even if you tried.  It’s the same engine used for Symphony of the Night, and all other Metroidvania titles in it’s wake.

“One of the nice new features I like about this game”….is the other female character you’re playing?

“….is that you can zoom  the camera in and out.” Bores: Hey no faiiiir. Bores want zoom in for more vamp chicks waaaaahah!!!1!!!11!

“…which either allows you to see only the room you’re fighting in or the entire castle.” Just in case you’re all too much of dumbasses to figure it out for yourselves.

Now he mentions how the bosses can take half the castle in size. “Holy ballsack Batman.” Your humor is so atrocious, even Batman & Robin had better jokes than that, you dumbshit.

“Now this game contains six castles in all three to explore, and they were on the shortside.” So you only have to go through half of the castles to finish the game? I’m sorry, that’s not how games work, Bores.

01:34 – 02:03 - “Now let’s talk about multi-players, because this is where the game takes a whole new dimension.” Maybe for someone who can’t use multiplayer since you have no friends.

“If you have an X-Box Live Gold membership, you can play five other players.” Four other players, Bores, since you need to unlock one of them.

“The upside to this feature is if you’re just starting out…”…like you apparently….” This is a great way to explore the other castles than the first one.” He also mentions obtaining good equipment for the other characters, but everyone should know that by now.

2:04 – 02:33 - “But now for the downside…” Oh good, I thought we’d never get to this part. Let’s see what he has to bitch about this time.

“With six characters, the game becomes way too easy, with enemies becoming pushovers and stage bosses being destroyed in seconds… How dumb.”

So you don’t like having games that are too easy for you, but you keep complaining about games that are way too hard because you keep charging at your enemies, which then makes you decide to cheat, which by then you complain again but this time for the game's difficulty setting be too easy for your taste?

MAKE UP YOUR MIND!!!

“Every single game I played on the internet, all the other people I played with were completely leveled up, and every stage was finished in three minutes. Talk about frikkin stupid. They couldn’t make this game a little harder with more people playing?”

The only thing stupid here is you blaming everybody else for being true gamers and revealing just how big of an ametuer hack you really are, Bores.

As for the making the game a little bit harder……

*takes a deep breath*

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dt5W8-qsmZQ

02:38 – 3:01 - “Before I can give this promising feature such praise, it really needs sto be fine tuned” ………meaning……..

“Now there is one more thing puzzling about this game…”…like why am I only playing the female characters?

Seriously, Bores? Are you really so dense that you couldn’t test every other character like any real reviewer would do, and just decided to think with some other member than your head?

“When I interviewed that game at E3….” He told me to piss off after the camera stopped rolling.

“He told me there be hidden characters to unlock,” He said that to keep you guessing, he’s a representative, not one of the creators.

“Now after playing this game, and talking to other people who played this game”… whom were definitely not trolls….

“I found out there were no unlockable characters in this game, so I was pretty much lied to.” No you weren’t, there is at least one unlockable character, but you just counted him as one of the defaults, which according to the E3 video you mentioned, the rep said only five of the characters were default, not six.

03:02 – 03:34 - He now goes on to claim the one character he wanted to play as…..

“And that person… is Simon Belmont.” who kindly lent me a plastic moulding of his sprite form.

He claims it’s amazing all these new games don’t even feature the original character from the original game, not at all realizing that the Castlevania series covers not only different timelines, but also different generations, past, present, and future.

He starts ogling about him being a video game icon in the NES days, and that Konami keeps failing to bring him back in every new game they release.

“If Nintendo can bring back classic game characters like Kid Icarus and Donkey Kong, you van easily bring back Simon Belmont.”

Ignoring the fact that he got Pit’s name wrong again, he fails to realize that Castlevania

WAS NEVER! A F*CKING! NINTENDO FRANCHISE!!!!!!!

3:35 – 4:07 – “So what’s the final verdict?” You’re a f*ck-off.

“While I enjoyed it quite a bit…” and had to get the carpet cleaned afterwards ….

*rimshot*

“But I wish this title had more castles to explore…”  The game had six castles, how much more do you need?

“Had a better leveling up system for the characters…” Because I can’t get past the first level by myself.

“And the multiplayer feature was designed a little better” as in I want other people to beat the game for me, so I can have more time to beat off to the character I’m playing as.

“If you fix these three things…” you’ll have a completely broken game.

“So until nest time gamers, game on…..Happy Halloween gamers.” You seriously couldn’t choose which ending to go with again?

Well, that was a sure frustrating review to sit through, especially since the game was pretty sold as it was, it didn’t need his advice to ruin it with.

It’s also nice to see his lecherous ways haven’t completely dissapeared either, no matter how subtl i mayhave been.

Well, at least we got all that out of the way, and I'm sure a lot of long-time Castlevania fans say the same. Also, it’s good to know that BatDan has returned, and I’ll be looking forward to what is in store for the future, but until then, stay gold.