Stumbling Through Barrels as Bores Reviews DK's Big Comeback

Boy, it seems like things have really gone by fast since Thanksgiving, eh?  Now that our stomachs have settled, let’s look at Bores’s latest reviewer leftovers.

This time it’s his review of Donkey Kong Country Returns, and let’s see just how many facts he gets wrong this time, shall we?

00:00 – 00:11 - “Happy Thanksgiving gamers..” Eh, what the hell is that?

“And since this is the holidays” I thought I would do some things to this turkey that I’ve got hanging in the background for you all to see.

“I thought I thought I’d do the one game that everyone who owns a Wii has been a-tiss-ipating. And that game, is Donkey Kong Country Retuuurds”

Nice to see his annunciating skills are as constricted as ever.

00:12 – 00:40 - After a huge letdown of a photoshopped intro, he reminisces about his times at E3, which he decided to wait a whole month before describing it to us, and ponders if it lived up to expectaions. He answers yes in a way to set up a “bunch of bananas” joke, only to have photoshopped bananas fall on him.

00:41 - 01:11 - “If you like the original for the Super Nintendo, then you’re going to love this one.” And what if we preferred the Game Boy instead, will we not love it?

He talks about how this new installment ris a return to form, and mentions a new enemy who has stolen DK’s bananas, and then talks about the visually stunning graphics.

“And a few of them make for some great artistic statement.” Like what prey tell do you mean by artistic statement?

Is it supposed to be some allegorical means to tap into the human soul, that shows us all just how it’s possible for us all to feel a deeper connection with our bretheren, and how we are not truly ever alone?

Aw, who am I kidding, you would never be able to contemplate such a powerful message like that.

01:12 – 01:49 - He also mention revamped music cues from the original game.

“Now let’s talk about gameplay.” While not at all using any effort to move our mouths.

“This time around, Donkey has some new attacks, like the ground stomp, climbing up walls” which is so new it came out 16 years earlier in THE FIRST GAME!

“and Diddy Kong’s jetpack” which premiered in DK 64, now I know AVGN said something similar, but that was just an off-hand comment he made up on the spot at E3, not in an actual review like this.

“and you’ll even find a rocket barrel to ride around on”  Now watch as I accidently maneuver and crash into the ship which I did not do on purpose.

01:50 – 02:49 - He complains about only being able to play as Donkey Kong, and he won’t be able to switch with Diddy Kong, unless you play a two-player game.

“Now this may seem like a downside at first, but just trust me, after playing the game, this is something you won’t even be bothered by.” Despite the fact that you just complained about it, making your argument entirely pointless.

“This game also sprinkles in some great elements from the original.” Sprinkles,  ohh Chris want sprinkles, gimme gimme gimme.

He goes on about riding animal friends, finding bonus areas, collecting Kong letters, and unlocking special areas.

He also mentions Kranky Kong is back and complains that he’s not as cranky as before.

“Nggaaahh, so where’s all the mean insults at, you wong bearded damn dirty ape.”

First of all, Kranky Kong’s not as kranky as before because they didn’t want him to get stale by spewing nothing but insults, since the whole point of his character was to reminisce about the good ol days of video games.

Secondly, they probably didn’t want conservative parents complaining about their kids picking up any sort of bad influence from the game.

Thirdly, Charlton Heston you most certainly are NOT.

“heh heh, looks like I told him.” *giant banana pile plomp* “Dammit.”

02:50 – 03:33 - “Another thing I lke about this game is that it’s not too easy or too hard either.” Therefore you have nothing to complain about, so it must be the greatest video game of all time by your standards.

He then tosses himself off the mine ride level, as well as let himself get hit by the first stage boss.

"Though I must say there that many games on the Wii that I can say are a must-have.”

Except for maybe, A LOT of them?

“But if you own a Wii, you should definitely consider picking this one up.” If by consider picking it up, you mean pick it up.

“and it’s a very refreshing game to play through, after trying out something like Kirby’s Epic Yarn for the Wii, Oh boy talk about a letdown.” Which I will not explain anything about.

Seriously Bores, you say it was a letdown without any explanation as to why, despite all the rave reviews it’s been getting?

Also, you say is as though you were playing on a different console, when you said “for the Wii” like you weren’t playing a Wii game already.

He finishes off by recommending it to anyone interested to check it out for the Wii, or for  a gift idea for the holidays, and that’s all he really says about that.

3:34 – 3:54 - And of course, he has to finish off the review by saying his IG NEO catchphrase, before narrowly escaping yet a third banana pile from falling on him only to have a FOURTH one fall on him anyway.

Well, got that out of my system. Anyway, I know with BatDan back, a lot of you may not be all that interested in what I had to say in the matter, so I’ll just leave it at that.

At least he said something positive about the game, but I guess he didn’t want any hardcore fans calling him out on anything. Too bad he’s going to get that anyway. And at least he chose one ending as opposed to all of them.

So, until the next review, see you at BatDan’s.

Bores Reviews Harmony of Displa- Uh, Despair

  Well guys, since my computer got corrupted, I wasn’t able to post last week, but now I’m back, and apparently so is BatDan, who just came out of retirement recently, so we’ll see how things turn out from now on. But first, let’s look at the preview of Bores’s latest review.

00:00 – 00:17 - And it looks like he’s grown a beard, and not the kind where quality of entertainment improves, but the literal kind.

He informs us he has a new review at GotGame *hiccup* dot Com. It’s the X-Box Live CastleVania game, Harmony of Despair.

……………..

…..Uh, Bores?

*snaps finger at him*

“…so be sure to check that out.”

The hell just happened in those last couple of seconds?

*sees screen* Ohhh, I see.

00:17 – 00:31 - He gives us some information on the next IG episode, which will inevitably be delayed for a few months like the last few. And it is the fourth (or fifth) installment of the “IG’s History of Video Games.” Oh gee, I wonder what kind of inaccuracies he’ll make this time.

00:32 – 01:01 - He drones on about what the last couple of episodes were about, like we didn’t already know what they were, and now he says this next episode will have them duke it out. So we’ve got another pointless fight scene ahead of us.

While he scratches his nose, he mentions it’s an interesting time period in that series, a very loose interpretation of interesting.

Well after that little preview, what little hope we had of him reviewing is till lingering, but for how long?

00:00 – 00:21 - In the actual review, he starts with this mediocre CG intro that goes on for ten seconds, and now Bores, who seems to have less facial hair than he did in the preview, starts off the reviewing the lastest game in the Castlevania series, Harmony of Despair.

At least he got the name right this time. However his claim of it being the latest installment is not true, since there have been two other titles released since then: The puzzle game Encore of the Night and Lord of Shadow.

00:22 – 0:35 -  “Now let me 'stotoff' by saying that this game is only available by downloading it from the X-Box Live Store.”

… making that little gesture with your hand earlier pointless, since there’s no physical copy of the game. Seriously was there any point of photoshopping the game like you were holding a disc in your hand?

“So if you don’t have an X-Box, the internet, or even 800 Microsoft points to purchase the game, than odds are you won’t be playing this one.“  Actually, it's worth 1200 MS points, and what if they port it over to the Playstation Network?

00:36 – 0:48 - “But in this Castlevania game, you’ll have sex characters to choose from.”

There’s so much wrong in this one sentence, I don’t even know where to begin. First, he has to point out the title of the game series instead of just saying “but in this game…”

Also, “sex” characters? I’m not sure what he’s going for here. This is a T-rated game, they wouldn’t allow that stuff on such a rating. But if that’s not what you mean, are you saying the characters are extremely attractive?  If so, then I agree, but that means you’re missing a letter. If not, then it’s actually “five” characters, one of them is a bonus character you have to unlock in order to play.

“Each one has their own strengths and weaknesses that help you during the game.” That’s the point of games with multiple characters in them.

“But if you ask me, I personally enjoy playing Shanoa the best.”

00:49 – 01:33 - He mentions the gameplay is solid and the 2d sprites are a great throwback to the original. Original what, Bores? Because if you were referring to the original game, you couldn’t get anymore wrong even if you tried.  It’s the same engine used for Symphony of the Night, and all other Metroidvania titles in it’s wake.

“One of the nice new features I like about this game”….is the other female character you’re playing?

“….is that you can zoom  the camera in and out.” Bores: Hey no faiiiir. Bores want zoom in for more vamp chicks waaaaahah!!!1!!!11!

“…which either allows you to see only the room you’re fighting in or the entire castle.” Just in case you’re all too much of dumbasses to figure it out for yourselves.

Now he mentions how the bosses can take half the castle in size. “Holy ballsack Batman.” Your humor is so atrocious, even Batman & Robin had better jokes than that, you dumbshit.

“Now this game contains six castles in all three to explore, and they were on the shortside.” So you only have to go through half of the castles to finish the game? I’m sorry, that’s not how games work, Bores.

01:34 – 02:03 - “Now let’s talk about multi-players, because this is where the game takes a whole new dimension.” Maybe for someone who can’t use multiplayer since you have no friends.

“If you have an X-Box Live Gold membership, you can play five other players.” Four other players, Bores, since you need to unlock one of them.

“The upside to this feature is if you’re just starting out…”…like you apparently….” This is a great way to explore the other castles than the first one.” He also mentions obtaining good equipment for the other characters, but everyone should know that by now.

2:04 – 02:33 - “But now for the downside…” Oh good, I thought we’d never get to this part. Let’s see what he has to bitch about this time.

“With six characters, the game becomes way too easy, with enemies becoming pushovers and stage bosses being destroyed in seconds… How dumb.”

So you don’t like having games that are too easy for you, but you keep complaining about games that are way too hard because you keep charging at your enemies, which then makes you decide to cheat, which by then you complain again but this time for the game's difficulty setting be too easy for your taste?

MAKE UP YOUR MIND!!!

“Every single game I played on the internet, all the other people I played with were completely leveled up, and every stage was finished in three minutes. Talk about frikkin stupid. They couldn’t make this game a little harder with more people playing?”

The only thing stupid here is you blaming everybody else for being true gamers and revealing just how big of an ametuer hack you really are, Bores.

As for the making the game a little bit harder……

*takes a deep breath*

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dt5W8-qsmZQ

02:38 – 3:01 - “Before I can give this promising feature such praise, it really needs sto be fine tuned” ………meaning……..

“Now there is one more thing puzzling about this game…”…like why am I only playing the female characters?

Seriously, Bores? Are you really so dense that you couldn’t test every other character like any real reviewer would do, and just decided to think with some other member than your head?

“When I interviewed that game at E3….” He told me to piss off after the camera stopped rolling.

“He told me there be hidden characters to unlock,” He said that to keep you guessing, he’s a representative, not one of the creators.

“Now after playing this game, and talking to other people who played this game”… whom were definitely not trolls….

“I found out there were no unlockable characters in this game, so I was pretty much lied to.” No you weren’t, there is at least one unlockable character, but you just counted him as one of the defaults, which according to the E3 video you mentioned, the rep said only five of the characters were default, not six.

03:02 – 03:34 - He now goes on to claim the one character he wanted to play as…..

“And that person… is Simon Belmont.” who kindly lent me a plastic moulding of his sprite form.

He claims it’s amazing all these new games don’t even feature the original character from the original game, not at all realizing that the Castlevania series covers not only different timelines, but also different generations, past, present, and future.

He starts ogling about him being a video game icon in the NES days, and that Konami keeps failing to bring him back in every new game they release.

“If Nintendo can bring back classic game characters like Kid Icarus and Donkey Kong, you van easily bring back Simon Belmont.”

Ignoring the fact that he got Pit’s name wrong again, he fails to realize that Castlevania

WAS NEVER! A F*CKING! NINTENDO FRANCHISE!!!!!!!

3:35 – 4:07 – “So what’s the final verdict?” You’re a f*ck-off.

“While I enjoyed it quite a bit…” and had to get the carpet cleaned afterwards ….

*rimshot*

“But I wish this title had more castles to explore…”  The game had six castles, how much more do you need?

“Had a better leveling up system for the characters…” Because I can’t get past the first level by myself.

“And the multiplayer feature was designed a little better” as in I want other people to beat the game for me, so I can have more time to beat off to the character I’m playing as.

“If you fix these three things…” you’ll have a completely broken game.

“So until nest time gamers, game on…..Happy Halloween gamers.” You seriously couldn’t choose which ending to go with again?

Well, that was a sure frustrating review to sit through, especially since the game was pretty sold as it was, it didn’t need his advice to ruin it with.

It’s also nice to see his lecherous ways haven’t completely dissapeared either, no matter how subtl i mayhave been.

Well, at least we got all that out of the way, and I'm sure a lot of long-time Castlevania fans say the same. Also, it’s good to know that BatDan has returned, and I’ll be looking forward to what is in store for the future, but until then, stay gold.

Now in Horrifying HD - Irate and the 7up's

Well guys, Halloween has arrived, so that can only mean one thing. It's the moment you've all been waiting for.....

This week I tackle the Irate Gamer's latest episode: The 7up review.

I know it's been a couple of weeks since it came out, but I just got through it now since this one was really long.

This is the episode where IG has stated taking the show in a different direction, so let's just see how far he'll suck, I mean go. Maybe we'll find some similarities to Third Rate Gamer's review and see how much he predicted would happen.

00:00 - 01:33 - Oh look, it's the Castle of Evil again, and he's even using the same backdrop as he did in his "Monster Party" review, so that must mean ....

Yes, he brought back the Irate Gamer Prime (Evil Gamer) after who knows how long, he must've finally remembered he existed. And it seems he has a new master now, which is just a mirrored Bores rendered in Shadowrama effects.

IG Prime mentions something about a missing artifact, no doubt it has to do with an old console of some sort, and then they make a refernce to all of Bores's critics calling us mindless idiots for not agreeing with any of his "assessments," trolling his videos with hate spam aka. critique examinations, to which he replies...

"Let's face it, these guys are such idiots, they couldn't make a PB & J sandwich without ruining it." Are you sure you're not referring to your defenders, aka. sockpuppets? Also, I wouldn't talk if I were you, since it takes you more than ten minutes to make Kool Aid.

"Ahh, so hard to find good minions these days" especially when they're just lemmings who plummet to their death in a pit from Hell, or at least INSIDE Hell, however that works.

So now his plan is to create an army of new minions by stealing IG's "advanced" Magnavox Odyssey. After an extremely patchetic courtesy, IG Prime goes off leaving Mirrored Bores to do his attempt at an evil laugh. Jeez, how much longer is this?

*title screen pops up*

01:34 - 2:28 - We start off really quickly as Bores calls us gaming gurus, which is strange because most of his hardcore fans are probably kids who never played classic video g...

Oh it was just a set-up for a lousy joke involving Goro from MK, or at least an extremely pixelated version of him, probably from an early Sega port of the game, who's apparently his new neighbor. So it's one of those jokes.

Now he'll review the 7up games. Or at least give us a little history lesson about them first. Skipping ahead, he looks at Spot the Video Game for the NES. Oh good, is he going to make some lame joke about "spotting" the video game and saying "Oh there it is"........

I... guess not.

The demo starts up, and he starts complaining about it being a puzzle game, which he claims is based off Othello with it's own NES game,  which must mean he's never heard of Ataxx, then he makes a pointless statement about the NES game of Othello costing twice as much as the actual game.

2:29 - 3:26 - He complains that it's not a side scroll platforming video game like he expected it to be, because we all know that the NES has only ever made platformers. Third Rate Gamer prediction of the 7up Spot making a random appearence via green-screen: confirmed.

3:27 - 3:57 - After explaining the rules of the game, he decides to "switch" to four-player mode, just so he could show off his NES Four Score (which he does not call it, instead he uses the more generic term "four-player adapter") And since he has no friends, he takes three more spot sprites to play the other characters, making it obvious he selected a one-player game.

BTW, the whole fictional character playing is yet another Third Rate Gamer prediction confirmed.

We are then treated to a boring montage, where he is mercilessly beaten by the three spot players who are obviously not the computer. Predictably, he loses and blames the game for his suckage.

3:58 - 4:56 - Feeling there's not enough pointlessness, he decides to resurrect the old Bores n' Doors meme, only this time it's a Clark Kenting IG Prime doing his worst Italian accent while giving away free pizza for everyone who provides him a Magnavox Odyssey, which Bores is gladly willing to do, taking him 20 seconds before he realizes who's behind the obiviously false moustache and accent.

In a failed attempt to prove he's a legit gamer, he informs that the Odyssey costs a hundred bucks on eBay, which contradicts what he was doing half a minute ago, which means either he's stupid enough to give away a hundred dollar console for a measely pizza, or he's not very good at supervising his own script. At this point, I'll believe either one.

And to top, it off, IG Prime taunts Bores into give in to his demands only to invoke the wrath of next-door-neghbor Sega Master Goro for nr apparent reason. How long is he going to milk this joke?

4:57 - 5:15 - After that pointless sketch, he starts on the next 7up game review, Spot the Cool Adventure for the Game Boy. What he doesn't mention is that the game is actually a US reskinned version of MCDonaldland, a Game Boy title released in the UK, which was a sequel to the NES game M.C. Kids.

So much for Mr. "Twenty Years's" research. He then bitches about how it's not as cool as the title implies, not getting that it's a "play on words" kind of title.

5:16 - 5:53 - After that, he bitches about throwing blocks and collection spiot coins are all you do, not realizing this is not a killer app title, where a lot of effort is put into gameplay and design, but is instead a licensed game using a tie-in to sell a brand product.

Then he bitches even more about how if you die, you have a to start at the beginning of a really short level. To top off the bitch fit, he complains that he can't jump high enough to reach a certain neon-cricled platform. Have you tried doing a super jump (A + Up)?

As he tries again, he photoshops the game onto his Game Boy handheld hoping he could fool us into thinking he'sp playing it there, when it's paaaaaiiiinfully obvious the screen shows a Super Game Boy logo on the bottom, to which the spot cries at his stupidity.

5:54 - 6:56 - For the main event, he reviews Cool spot for the SNES, while mentioning the Genesis version of the game and not mentioning the other Genesis game "Spot goes to Hollywood." Yet another prediction by the Third Rate Gamer confirmed.

He starts off by saying you collect 30 spot coins scattered around a level to finish, 75 coins for a bonus stage and free brownies apparently, and 100 for an extra life, make sure the safely belt is carefukky fastened as t.....wa wa wait wait sorry I was losing focus there for a second.

Then he does more pointless bitching about how the coins are harder to collect than the red rubies in his Aladdin review, saying if they aren't useful for things such as getting laid, completely contradicting what he just said before that.

After finishing the level, he adds another pointless joke with the spots doing the jump and dance routine they do ending each level, by having the green-screen spot do the same.

6:57 - 8:07 - As he explains the bonus level,  he mentions collecting six letters that spell "Uncola." Remember this. As he mentions the layout of the level, he sets up yet another joke about getting vertigo from the train ride with the two screen layers crossing each other, showing how weak Bores's stomach and hand-eye coordination are.

To make his fail stand out even more, he mentions a zigzag designed level where of he falls off the ledge, he'll have to start all over again, and then speeds up the video the same way AVGN did in his Simpsons review. Even when he's not ripping off AVGN, he still somehow manages to do it, albiet unintentionally.

Afterwords, he complains about how everyone hates these levels, and by everyone he means only he does, and he says to stop making them, which they did 15 years ago, but he says it like it's still a common problem in games today.

8:08 - 9:17 - He brings up the Bores n' Doors meme again, with IG Prime in an even more obvious disguise, saying there's a free X-Box 360 give-away outside, which Bores completely falls for this time, allowing IG Prime the opportunity to steal the Odyssey.

We then cut to a green screen outside, because Bores would never think twice before even taking one step outside, Also remember that he comes out from the right. There's a fence covering the background which means...

"Highety Ho there, neighbor." It's Bores Wilson...... or "Wilkins" as he's calling him for some reason. He can't even remember the name of the character, which should tell you the legitamacy of his videos. It's here that Bores realizes he's been "horn swaggled."

So you're saying you were beaten up by professional wrestler Dylan "Little Bastard" Postl? Oh wait, you were trying to say you were bamboozled, in which case you kind of already were thinking that the "AuxBox" 360 Slim was a useless upgrade, when it fixed all the problems the old 360 system had.

But enough about that, time for another pointless scene where you pick up a Teddy that somehow tranforms you into a Tanuki statue....for some reason.

We then see IG Prime gloatingly walking by with the Odyssey in hand, coming from the RIGHT of the screen, which was opposite of where Bores came from. Bores manages to recover from the Tanuki... bear... thing, to which "Wilkinson", being as bewildered as all of us, goes to go and take his medication, and possibly pretend to ruin Wonka's business. This scene can best be described as...

9:18 - 10:28 - Jeez, we still have five minutes to go with this one, and it's already starting to put a strain on my patience. Finally, he finishes the game, but...something's not right....The cool level is only at 29%, even though he explecitly stated earlier that you need 30 to finish the level. Then he says how annoying of a masc...oh no please don't tell me, he's not going to...

*bursting through the wall* "Oh Yeah!"

He somehow managed to resurrect the Kool Aid Man, even though he killed him in an earlier review, and just kets him stand there.
But anyway, let's see what he says about the "well-deserved" ending which he keeps using in every review.

It's about what you'd expect. He got the bad ending fir not collecting the six UNCOLA letters and is complaining about it. When he declares to restart the game, "Wilkinson's" fence randomly shows up, as well as pixelated Goro. Is he trying to do a gang's all here kind of situation, because if so, where's Ronnie and Devil Bores, and Cousin Joey for that matter? Operating behind the scenes?

10:29 - 12:23 - So, he does yet another montage of playing the game to collect all six letters, doing absolutely nothing different than he did before, which must mean he's just recycling footage to put a random montage, because we all know this review was already lacking one, right?

During this montage, Bores makes those same facial expressions he usually does and Kool Aid Man randomly punches the air, and then Bores decides to drink shampoo for some reason. What, did 7up not want you to endorse them? But then again, after his Yo Noid! review, it'd be amazing he would even find a sponsor again. Soon, everyine else starts randomly cheering Bores on along with Kool aid Man.

Then, Bores randomly starts reading an issue of Nintendo Power, once again to prove his legitamacy as a gamer. More specifically, it's issue #67, which was published in December 1994, showcasing Earthworm Jim. Well, at least the HD quality was good for something. Now anyone who still has a copy of that issue can see whether or not it had any cheat codes for Cool Spot, because I haven't read that particular issue in a loooong time.

And now, he builds up to what the good ending is all about, when "Wilson's" fance randomly switches to the right side and Wise Sage shows up again, with no dialouge this time. Can't let him outshine the Bores again, I guess. And surprise, it's a snaphshot contest entry, after all this was a lisenced game made specfically to endorse a prosuct, so it makes sense it would have a contest that would have naturally expired long before this review wuld ever take place, but that doesn't stop Bores from bitching about it.

Hopelessly not wanting to go down so easily, he decides to enter the contest anyway, he asks the backgorund characters for a camera, which predictably none of them have one.So he takes a picture with his phone, which he probably should have done in the first place.

He must have gone to the George Lucas route by shoving in as many characters onto the screen as possible just for the sake of showing off.

12:24 - 13:30 - After all that, we cut back to IG Prime's Castle of Evil Golf Curse, having successfully stolen the Odyssey, he is ordered by Mirror Bores to hook it up to some jumper cables which he calls the "extraction machine."

This leads to Bores dressed up as the world's smallest mecha, also bringing back his HAL persona from the Odyssey double review, with both IG Prime and Mirror Bores doing an extremely pathetic evil laugh, and zooming into HAL Bores's eye, indicating a cliffhanger.

13:31 - 14:22 - We cut to Bores at home finally recieving the grand prize he entered 15 years too late to win. Apparently two weeks have past since HAL Bores was unleashed. they must not be in any real hurry to dominate the world yet.

I guess Bores couldn't figure out which ending to use, so he used them both. I would say this killed the feeling the last scene was building up to like in The Incredible Hulk 2008, but I was already waiting for this video to end long before that.

His package was sent by one of the guys from his Monster Party review, who must work as a mailman in this show's universe. But then he takes it without paying the COD charges, When he calls Bores out on it, he somehow invokes pixel Goro's wrath for no reason other than to end the scene quickly.

When Bores gleefully opens the package to see what's inside,  what lies in front of him is.........about a hundred copies of the Cool Spot game he bought specifically for this gag. After a failed attempt at acting horrified, the video finally ends.

Well, there you have it, Bores's 7up review, which was also his longest video to date, and boy does it show. It practically juiced me out of clever material to finish off this review, so i'll just save the bloopers for later.

I must say, Third Rate Gamer really knew what Bores would do if he ever reviewed this game, even though it was a parody of his past stuff.

Well anyway, it's time to say Have a Happy Halloween to all of you READers out there, and until next time, don't hog all the Trick or Treats.

The Stunning Debate: Bores's Take on the New X-Box Debacle

All right guys, it's been quite a week without me, hasn't it?

  Now before I start on this review, let me just say that the reason I didn't post last time was because I was busy at South Padre Island attending a funeral ceremony for one of my sister's friend's Dad who was cremated, and we went out on a boat for a few hours spreading his ashes in the Gulf of Mexico in his memory, and then we all went on a dolphin watch afterwards.

OK, now that we got that out of the way, let's start out with a review of his latest NEO video, the XBox comparison review.

I know a lot of you were expecting something for his 7Up review, but that will have to wait for another time.

00:00 - 00:14 - We'll start off with the trailer for the video, which starts with Bores sitting next to the X-Box 360. After using hid voodoo magic to show us what the video's website is (in all it's n00b-friendly named glory) he gives us a rundown on the new "Aux-Box," which I guess is a shortened term for the Auxillary Box.

Guess Microsoft decided to get a little creative with naming their new console, either that or his diction decided to fail on him again, but I guess that's just another day for good old Chris "one-take" Bores.

00:15 - 00:38 - He then congratulates us for being able to sit through his latest video which he emphasizes the HD quality of it, as if he didn't push it on us any harder than he already did the last three times.

  He starts droning on and on about the programs he was using and holds back from saying the word "ass" for some reason, and he thanks us again for having the patience to sit through the whole damn thing.

00:39 - 00:58 - In the oh-so-fine tradition of redundancy, he thanks us a third time, for all the emails he receieved praising the review, as well as all the malicious emails, all of which he ignores since he gets thousands of them every week.

He says something about some sort of plot he's developing in this new direction he's taking it.

Well Goll-ly Bores, we are sooo excited with what's going to happen.... Really...

So now we follow the link and see the actual debate video:

00:00 - 00:20 He starts off by saying that the old X-Box has been replaced by a newer X-Box. No shit genius, that was almost five years ago, and you're just sud.....

...Oh I get it, you're talking about the X-Box 360 being replaced, not the original X-Box, thank you for specifing to us which one it was.

He asks us what's so different about it and oif we actually need it. Anyone who ever used a 360 would tell you exactly why they would, but more later on that. Ah, I see you made a new intro.
Next.

00:21 - 00:37 - The first thing he says is different is that it's colored black, because apparently the color of the fuselage is really an important factor behind a console's fucntion. I mean it's not like X-Box will be any other colors or anything.

He then shows us an absolutely necessary diagram over it's shorter width and height using red arrows because we wouldn't be able to pinpoint the measurements for ourselves, thank you. I'm also surprised you didn't call the new "AuxBox" by it's name, the X-Box 360 Slim.

He also mentions the engine runs quieter than the previous console, not explaining that it could be because it's an upgraded engine than the one before it so it would be inevitably quieter.

00:38 - 01:08 - He also shows us it has a Kinetics "imput" and WiFi connection, showing us how desperately they're trying to catch up with the Wii and PS3 and not giving his "input" on the situation like any debater would do.

He says some more things, like how he has to pay extra for XBox LIVE Gold subscription for multiplayer saying how stupid it is. Not if you read the fine details on the bottom, which I doubt you could.

01:09 - 01:39 Here he's recycling one of his running gags from the Odyssey review, only instead of connecting the Odyssey to the TV, he's taking the 360's hard drive and memory card with the same results, the only thing missing was some stupid cut scene where he travels halfway across the galaxy to find one using random Star Wars characters.

1:40 - 1:57 And now the moment we've all been waiting for, the debate to end all Xbox - AuxBox debates, a time when we find the ultimate answer, that does a service to all huma..OK he says the answer is "no." But will he give us a valid reason for this?

Well, he says that you should only buy it if you want to play Kinetic games, or if you need WiFi connection. Well what about all the people who've had to experience some of the extreme technical difficulties, like the console chewing up the disc, the power supply burning out the brick, and who could forget the evil RED RING OF DEATH!!!!

Problems which, as of to date, are pretty much non-existant with the "AuxBox."

1:57 - 2:22 - He then mentions how the 360 has a card insert with access to XBox LIVE Gold, while burping at the same time. While the AuxBox doesn't, and lets us to take it for what it's worth, for which I say.... they both have that card insert, you just got gyped wthout even knowing it.

Well, that certainly felt like nothing but filler to me, did it feel more like filler to you?

Anyway, feels good to back after that unintentional hiatus. So until next time, viewers.

Chris Bores is Awesome....... According to Busy Street

It seems a few people have taken notice on Bores's particular words about Team Guy With The Glasses via Busy Street:

Which makes me wonder, have these people ever heard of the Irate Gamer Show before, and if so, did they do any research on the subject beforehand?

Because the way I see it, these people are completely ignorant of this guy's history, or some of the biggest tools on the internet. They also seem to be easily impressed by a lot of things, because all Bores really said was NC was getting a little stale, but these people treat his words as though it were a real tour de` force of our time, when it's really something anyone could say and has been said by other people in a more constructive and precise manner.

Plus, can we even be certain that he's just saying this to be an attention whore under the light TGWTG has been going under via other reviewers (Asalieri's Mashable Awards rant) and not just giving his critique on it. At least some of these posts (Matt Petersen, Sten Kohlman) have the brains to call him out on it.

Not to mention, although NC's reviews have been merely OK recently, at least it still feels like he's trying, or maybe they are right in saying that Bores has some real balls to give this statement when he himself can't even make a coherent review, let alone a watchable video at all.

Or maybe it's just some fanboy trolling us.

Thanks to No Hay Nick Libre for this link to the news.

http://thebusystreet.com/2010/10/07/breaking-news-chris-bores-got-awesome/

I guess now's the time to make an announcement:

I have to go to a funeral ceremony for one of my sister's firend's Dad next week, so I won't have the time to make a new blog post next week just to alert you all on the situation.

Till next time viewers.

A Brief Look at God of War III... Very Very Brief

Welcome back everybody to those of you who were patient enough for this next one, we now go to IG's latest NEO episode, God of War III, but first the preview episode for it:

0:00 - 0:09 He starts off by saying the tools he works with changed their name from GottGame.com to GotGame.com with ont "T".

Do they think a little change in title is going to bring in a more casual audience or something, because that's the only explanation I can think of in this case that makes any sense.

0:10 - 0:26  As he stumbles and fumbles over his words, he now tells us in celebration he put together a small video of his long-anticipated review of God of War III, which he said he would do in his last NEO episode.

Oh, you mean the one where you systematically alienated not only a large portion of your casual viewers but your most hardcore fans as well, and then half-assed your attempt to save it? Do you really want to remind people of that little incident?

For that matter, since when did people actually request for you to play this game anyway? Is this just another illusion of you having any real fans, or did you just want to get more ad revenue by reviewing another major release?

0:27 - 0:40  For the rest of the video, he drones on about how he's still working on his latest episode of the IG show proper, which is taking so long he couldn't even give us a release date for it. Is HD really that difficult to work woth, Bores?

Anyway, onto the review:

0:00 - 0:18 After the really short intro, he says he will now review God of War III, which like his Ghostbusters 2009 review, says it's been out for a while now, but at least then he explained that it took him a while to beat.

Will he give us an explanation for it this time? *he puts in the game* I guess not.

0:19 - 0:40 Really, Kratos is back a third time to round out the trilogy, and starts where II leaves off?  That's really the best way you can put it?

He then starts padding the video by using footage of Gaia climbing up Zeus's tower.  Granted, the opening intro does kick ass as you follow up with, but it still doesn't make up for your redundancy.

0:41 - 1:11  He says we're treated to a captivating story, and starts listing off the things the game has like new puzzles, new weapons and more deities to fight. Are you going to explain any of this to us at all, Bores?

After another scene of pure padding, he warns us that the game isn't intended for kids, as if the first two games weren't any indication. He also lists off the reasons for it, like he did in his Dante's Infreno review, which also excludes any scene of extreme violence, then he shows us a scene wh...

....

Really, Bores? You had to make another dirty joke? And did you need to show us that stupid look on your face, and censor the whole screen like that, just to pad the review even more?

Also, it seems you screwed up pronouncing Aphrodite's name, just like how you pronounced Hermione in one of your E3 videos with Lego Harry Potter.

1:12 - 1:33  He then says God of War III was the best game of 2010. Okay, so maybe he's giving it a fair shot, but then he has to say a complaint about it. This time it's the anti-"climatic" ending. Don't you mean "climactic"?

Seems you've never heard of spoiler alerts, since it may have hindered most people's will to pick up the game, if they hadn't already played it in the last few months, so thank God he decided to review it now, when everyone gets the basic idea of what happened.

Which makes me wonder if Bores actually stayed after the ending credits or not.

He then says that you don't have to play the previous games to enjoy it, even though the majority of people who bought this game also played the previous ones beforehand, whether they were hardcore fans, or people who wanted to catch up with the story in anticipation for this one.

1:34 - 1:38 Wait... what?

That's it? That's your review? That's all you have to say about the game? You're not even going to bother with any other details about the game, like gameplay mechanics, level design, or any of the other aspects, just something to make this review longer than just one-and-a-half minutes?

Sheesh, no wonder BatDan decided to quit on you.

Well, that about does it for this week, as we now have to wait for the next episode of the show, which he has told us three times already.

He's really going to make me have to strecth this out more than I'm already doing, isn't he?

Redux Recap: Bores Breaches the Battalion Wars... Badly

 Welcome back to the show, everybody. Today, we're going to witness Bores in an old IG Neo episode ufnfairly bashing a game that has been very unappreciated in the gaming world. The game is Battalion Wars 2 for the Wii.

 For those who may not know the game, it's a sequel to a Gamecube spinoff from a handheld Nintendo series dubbed "Advance Wars" (or "Famicom Wars" in Japan) and was developed by Kuju Entertainment, developers of Geometery Wars. That's a LOT more of a history lesson than Bores will ever explain to you on the subject.

Anyway, skipping the intro, let's get onto the review:

00:21- 00:39 We start off with Bores telling us the game's title, and following it up with how at first glance he wouldn't pick this game up, and after playing it he still wouldn't, and he decides to end the review early.

......

Wow, not even giving the game a chance, or explaining what the game is about or why he hated it. Well at least it was short, and he mercifully spared it from anymore bashing that he usu...

*tilts head down the screen*

 Heeeey, wait a minuuute. Why's the time bar still have a long way to go? Unless...... oh Bores, you had pull that old joke on us, "Hey guhys Im'ma pull a jok aun uall by mahkin falcs ending to fuul yu, hyuck hyuck."

00:40 - 01:25 After pulling that botchery of a joke on us, he goes on to say that it's not a bad game, but it's just not very appealing to him in any way. Let's see if he'll give any valid complaints without contradicting himself on that statement.

 He tells us the game falls under the category of strategy fighter, sort of like Star Wars: Rogue Squadron. I think the name of the genre you're looking for is "real-time strategy," and your only example to compare this game to is some mediocre N64 Star Wars game?

 Why not give us a better example of the genre, like Starcraft, Command and Conquer, Age of Empires, Utopia, Dune II, World of Warcraft, Earth 2150, Warhammer 40000, just to name a few. So he's played video games for how many years?

 He then says the objective of the game is to defend a wepaon, a base, and something else that shouldn't be destroyed by the enemy. Great way to marginalize the key missions and overall objective of the game, wonder if they'd hire you to summarize "On Liberty."

 He says he's not partial to these game because he's terrible at them. What a surprise, he sucks at a game that requires a good strategy and carry it through, something Bores is not exactly known for doing. He then says no matter how good a player you are you have to be very strategic or you'll lose.....

.....What, you mean you have to be very strategic in a game that's built on REAL-TIME STRATEGY?!?

 We then cut to an unfunny joke where he tries to tongue-twist before he inevietably loses the game. Bores, we all know you can't articulate properly, so doing this wouldn't have helped your cause, especially since the game is very unforgiving regarding your skills, or lack thereof.

1:26 - 1:51 Here we get to witness Bores orgasming over the cutscenes like the graphics whore he is, describing the plot like something out of Lord of the Rings. What, you mean watching an army huddled together while listening to a rousing speech by their leader? That's a basic story setting for wartime, it which was done looooong before LOTR was even being written.

 After the cutscenes are over, he then goes over controlling an entire arsenal consisting of troops, tanks, jeeps, and other things that are a requirement for an army and the most basic elements in any war game.

1:52 - 2:21 "You'll be taking orders from a few generals." Nnnnoooooo, y-you mean that, that we-we're gonna be taking orders? in-in a war game? we-Nnnnnooooooo....

 Also, we get even more of the Bores's creepiness when he starts to orgasm over the commanding officer Brigadier Betty, who also seemed to show up in the intro for some reason. Hey uh, what's wrong there Bores? You look a little more stiff than usual.... and not in a good way either.

He complains about short shorts not being part of the military uniform, but then shrugs it off as rules are made to be broken...

 Okay first of all, this is a fictional war story that doesn't take itself very seriously, secondly, it's called fanservice, something that'll keep viewers glued into the action... but I guess it worked a little too well in your case.

He says after controlling the squadron, destory the bad guys and defend the flags from them as well. Can you be even less specific, please?

2:23 - 3:17 He gives a prime example of the pot calling the kettle black by complaining about the commanding officers telling him the obvious things over and over again, which is kinda like in a Flintst.... oh wait wrong review, and he can't turn them off.

"Just shut the hell up and let me play the game already, douchebag."

Hey, that is no way to talk to Madame Lei Qo, you asshole.

We then witness Bores fail miserably as his ADD gets the best of him, as the voices of the commanders start layering in his head, and then he blames the game for his own incompetence.

Hmm, this all sounds familiar... sort of like in AVGN's "Independence Day" review, where he's complaining about the commanding officer ordering him to take out the shield generators.

 He then reminds us that he doesn't care for these titles and that they're not for everyone, which would make everything he just said... entirely pointless. He also says his biggest complaint is the lack of Betty, claiming that she should be in all the cutscenes dammit.

.......

 Bores, you really need to stop crushing on these female video game characters, it's a very creepy habit, especially the way you're doing it. also if you had gotten far enough into the game, she'd be giving you some instructions along the way. Hell, she does that in the first game as well, but you wouldn't know enough about that, now would you?

3:18 - 3:26 He finishes off the review by saying if you're into strategy games, it's right up your alley, but then he just uses it as a coaster for his drink at the end.

 Oh come on Bores, I know you didn't like the game but that's no reason to ruin it like that. You could just sell it to someone who may want to play it for themselves, not to keep your wine coolers from staining the desk. That's something people would use your DVD for anyway.

 Overall, I'd say this was a pretty bad review, especially since it was the first review of the game most people may have seen, and assumed it was really that bad and may have killed it in rental sales. So for those interested in the game, I'd say check it out, especially since it's the only war game avalable for the Wii.

Well, that just about covers what I have to say in the matter. So tune in next week, as Bores takes on God of War III. Man,  we've been seeing a lot of wars lately, haven't we?