Redux Recap: Bores Breaches the Battalion Wars... Badly

 Welcome back to the show, everybody. Today, we're going to witness Bores in an old IG Neo episode ufnfairly bashing a game that has been very unappreciated in the gaming world. The game is Battalion Wars 2 for the Wii.

 For those who may not know the game, it's a sequel to a Gamecube spinoff from a handheld Nintendo series dubbed "Advance Wars" (or "Famicom Wars" in Japan) and was developed by Kuju Entertainment, developers of Geometery Wars. That's a LOT more of a history lesson than Bores will ever explain to you on the subject.

Anyway, skipping the intro, let's get onto the review:

00:21- 00:39 We start off with Bores telling us the game's title, and following it up with how at first glance he wouldn't pick this game up, and after playing it he still wouldn't, and he decides to end the review early.

......

Wow, not even giving the game a chance, or explaining what the game is about or why he hated it. Well at least it was short, and he mercifully spared it from anymore bashing that he usu...

*tilts head down the screen*

 Heeeey, wait a minuuute. Why's the time bar still have a long way to go? Unless...... oh Bores, you had pull that old joke on us, "Hey guhys Im'ma pull a jok aun uall by mahkin falcs ending to fuul yu, hyuck hyuck."

00:40 - 01:25 After pulling that botchery of a joke on us, he goes on to say that it's not a bad game, but it's just not very appealing to him in any way. Let's see if he'll give any valid complaints without contradicting himself on that statement.

 He tells us the game falls under the category of strategy fighter, sort of like Star Wars: Rogue Squadron. I think the name of the genre you're looking for is "real-time strategy," and your only example to compare this game to is some mediocre N64 Star Wars game?

 Why not give us a better example of the genre, like Starcraft, Command and Conquer, Age of Empires, Utopia, Dune II, World of Warcraft, Earth 2150, Warhammer 40000, just to name a few. So he's played video games for how many years?

 He then says the objective of the game is to defend a wepaon, a base, and something else that shouldn't be destroyed by the enemy. Great way to marginalize the key missions and overall objective of the game, wonder if they'd hire you to summarize "On Liberty."

 He says he's not partial to these game because he's terrible at them. What a surprise, he sucks at a game that requires a good strategy and carry it through, something Bores is not exactly known for doing. He then says no matter how good a player you are you have to be very strategic or you'll lose.....

.....What, you mean you have to be very strategic in a game that's built on REAL-TIME STRATEGY?!?

 We then cut to an unfunny joke where he tries to tongue-twist before he inevietably loses the game. Bores, we all know you can't articulate properly, so doing this wouldn't have helped your cause, especially since the game is very unforgiving regarding your skills, or lack thereof.

1:26 - 1:51 Here we get to witness Bores orgasming over the cutscenes like the graphics whore he is, describing the plot like something out of Lord of the Rings. What, you mean watching an army huddled together while listening to a rousing speech by their leader? That's a basic story setting for wartime, it which was done looooong before LOTR was even being written.

 After the cutscenes are over, he then goes over controlling an entire arsenal consisting of troops, tanks, jeeps, and other things that are a requirement for an army and the most basic elements in any war game.

1:52 - 2:21 "You'll be taking orders from a few generals." Nnnnoooooo, y-you mean that, that we-we're gonna be taking orders? in-in a war game? we-Nnnnnooooooo....

 Also, we get even more of the Bores's creepiness when he starts to orgasm over the commanding officer Brigadier Betty, who also seemed to show up in the intro for some reason. Hey uh, what's wrong there Bores? You look a little more stiff than usual.... and not in a good way either.

He complains about short shorts not being part of the military uniform, but then shrugs it off as rules are made to be broken...

 Okay first of all, this is a fictional war story that doesn't take itself very seriously, secondly, it's called fanservice, something that'll keep viewers glued into the action... but I guess it worked a little too well in your case.

He says after controlling the squadron, destory the bad guys and defend the flags from them as well. Can you be even less specific, please?

2:23 - 3:17 He gives a prime example of the pot calling the kettle black by complaining about the commanding officers telling him the obvious things over and over again, which is kinda like in a Flintst.... oh wait wrong review, and he can't turn them off.

"Just shut the hell up and let me play the game already, douchebag."

Hey, that is no way to talk to Madame Lei Qo, you asshole.

We then witness Bores fail miserably as his ADD gets the best of him, as the voices of the commanders start layering in his head, and then he blames the game for his own incompetence.

Hmm, this all sounds familiar... sort of like in AVGN's "Independence Day" review, where he's complaining about the commanding officer ordering him to take out the shield generators.

 He then reminds us that he doesn't care for these titles and that they're not for everyone, which would make everything he just said... entirely pointless. He also says his biggest complaint is the lack of Betty, claiming that she should be in all the cutscenes dammit.

.......

 Bores, you really need to stop crushing on these female video game characters, it's a very creepy habit, especially the way you're doing it. also if you had gotten far enough into the game, she'd be giving you some instructions along the way. Hell, she does that in the first game as well, but you wouldn't know enough about that, now would you?

3:18 - 3:26 He finishes off the review by saying if you're into strategy games, it's right up your alley, but then he just uses it as a coaster for his drink at the end.

 Oh come on Bores, I know you didn't like the game but that's no reason to ruin it like that. You could just sell it to someone who may want to play it for themselves, not to keep your wine coolers from staining the desk. That's something people would use your DVD for anyway.

 Overall, I'd say this was a pretty bad review, especially since it was the first review of the game most people may have seen, and assumed it was really that bad and may have killed it in rental sales. So for those interested in the game, I'd say check it out, especially since it's the only war game avalable for the Wii.

Well, that just about covers what I have to say in the matter. So tune in next week, as Bores takes on God of War III. Man,  we've been seeing a lot of wars lately, haven't we?