Stumbling Through Barrels as Bores Reviews DK's Big Comeback

Boy, it seems like things have really gone by fast since Thanksgiving, eh?  Now that our stomachs have settled, let’s look at Bores’s latest reviewer leftovers.

This time it’s his review of Donkey Kong Country Returns, and let’s see just how many facts he gets wrong this time, shall we?

00:00 – 00:11 - “Happy Thanksgiving gamers..” Eh, what the hell is that?

“And since this is the holidays” I thought I would do some things to this turkey that I’ve got hanging in the background for you all to see.

“I thought I thought I’d do the one game that everyone who owns a Wii has been a-tiss-ipating. And that game, is Donkey Kong Country Retuuurds”

Nice to see his annunciating skills are as constricted as ever.

00:12 – 00:40 - After a huge letdown of a photoshopped intro, he reminisces about his times at E3, which he decided to wait a whole month before describing it to us, and ponders if it lived up to expectaions. He answers yes in a way to set up a “bunch of bananas” joke, only to have photoshopped bananas fall on him.

00:41 - 01:11 - “If you like the original for the Super Nintendo, then you’re going to love this one.” And what if we preferred the Game Boy instead, will we not love it?

He talks about how this new installment ris a return to form, and mentions a new enemy who has stolen DK’s bananas, and then talks about the visually stunning graphics.

“And a few of them make for some great artistic statement.” Like what prey tell do you mean by artistic statement?

Is it supposed to be some allegorical means to tap into the human soul, that shows us all just how it’s possible for us all to feel a deeper connection with our bretheren, and how we are not truly ever alone?

Aw, who am I kidding, you would never be able to contemplate such a powerful message like that.

01:12 – 01:49 - He also mention revamped music cues from the original game.

“Now let’s talk about gameplay.” While not at all using any effort to move our mouths.

“This time around, Donkey has some new attacks, like the ground stomp, climbing up walls” which is so new it came out 16 years earlier in THE FIRST GAME!

“and Diddy Kong’s jetpack” which premiered in DK 64, now I know AVGN said something similar, but that was just an off-hand comment he made up on the spot at E3, not in an actual review like this.

“and you’ll even find a rocket barrel to ride around on”  Now watch as I accidently maneuver and crash into the ship which I did not do on purpose.

01:50 – 02:49 - He complains about only being able to play as Donkey Kong, and he won’t be able to switch with Diddy Kong, unless you play a two-player game.

“Now this may seem like a downside at first, but just trust me, after playing the game, this is something you won’t even be bothered by.” Despite the fact that you just complained about it, making your argument entirely pointless.

“This game also sprinkles in some great elements from the original.” Sprinkles,  ohh Chris want sprinkles, gimme gimme gimme.

He goes on about riding animal friends, finding bonus areas, collecting Kong letters, and unlocking special areas.

He also mentions Kranky Kong is back and complains that he’s not as cranky as before.

“Nggaaahh, so where’s all the mean insults at, you wong bearded damn dirty ape.”

First of all, Kranky Kong’s not as kranky as before because they didn’t want him to get stale by spewing nothing but insults, since the whole point of his character was to reminisce about the good ol days of video games.

Secondly, they probably didn’t want conservative parents complaining about their kids picking up any sort of bad influence from the game.

Thirdly, Charlton Heston you most certainly are NOT.

“heh heh, looks like I told him.” *giant banana pile plomp* “Dammit.”

02:50 – 03:33 - “Another thing I lke about this game is that it’s not too easy or too hard either.” Therefore you have nothing to complain about, so it must be the greatest video game of all time by your standards.

He then tosses himself off the mine ride level, as well as let himself get hit by the first stage boss.

"Though I must say there that many games on the Wii that I can say are a must-have.”

Except for maybe, A LOT of them?

“But if you own a Wii, you should definitely consider picking this one up.” If by consider picking it up, you mean pick it up.

“and it’s a very refreshing game to play through, after trying out something like Kirby’s Epic Yarn for the Wii, Oh boy talk about a letdown.” Which I will not explain anything about.

Seriously Bores, you say it was a letdown without any explanation as to why, despite all the rave reviews it’s been getting?

Also, you say is as though you were playing on a different console, when you said “for the Wii” like you weren’t playing a Wii game already.

He finishes off by recommending it to anyone interested to check it out for the Wii, or for  a gift idea for the holidays, and that’s all he really says about that.

3:34 – 3:54 - And of course, he has to finish off the review by saying his IG NEO catchphrase, before narrowly escaping yet a third banana pile from falling on him only to have a FOURTH one fall on him anyway.

Well, got that out of my system. Anyway, I know with BatDan back, a lot of you may not be all that interested in what I had to say in the matter, so I’ll just leave it at that.

At least he said something positive about the game, but I guess he didn’t want any hardcore fans calling him out on anything. Too bad he’s going to get that anyway. And at least he chose one ending as opposed to all of them.

So, until the next review, see you at BatDan’s.